I am stronger than infertility

With this week being Infertility Awareness, my thoughts often return to what Hailame and I have experienced first handed with infertility for so long.

It’s amazing that in the moment of a trial, it feels like that trial is going to last forever, and there were some days that I truly did believe that.

But looking back I’ve learned that I am stronger than I give myself credit.

I fully believe that God blessed me with the ability to have patience and a vast amount of faith to help me take on the hard days we experienced in 2018.

There were multiple days when I thought for sure I was going to give up, but in those moments I always felt peace. Peace that life is still wonderful despite that hard moments. Peace that those hard moments would soon pass, and they always did.

I had many instances where loved ones and friends didn’t fully understand what we were going through and they would state opinions blindly, not knowing the heartache we were feeling, and in those moments, I forgave without question.

I quickly learned that not everyone was going to fully understand what we were going through, and that was okay. I grew a community of support that held me through moments of not wanting to be told what to do, but just listen when I needed it.

But my biggest strength was that of faith. I KNEW WITHOUT A DOUBT and had so much FAITH that everything was going to work out.

And everything has worked out. Our life may not have turned out the way we planned or expected, but in my opinion it has turned out better than I could have possibly imagined. Our experience with adoption was EXACTLY what we needed, and I’m thankful that we get to grow our family in such a unique way!

Our time with infertility has opened our eyes to be more understanding and less judgmental. I know that there are so many couples who are still trying to find their path through infertility, and this week, more than any, my thoughts and prayers have been with them.

Infertility is still very much apart of our life, but it doesn’t define us. If anything, we have allowed it to shaped us for the better and to bring out the best in us.

love, hannah jane

the ultra sound

I had the wonderful opportunity to be present at our baby’s ultra sound a few days after Christmas. This ultrasound was such an amazing experience to participate in.

Before this ultrasound, I personally had gone through many ultrasounds when my doctors were trying to diagnose my PCOS and infertility problems.

Each and every ultrasound became harder and harder to go through hearing time and time again what was wrong with me.

My ovaries are covered in cysts.

My Fallopian tubes are clogged.

My body isn’t cycling properly.

One of my fallopian Tubes no longer is working.

Some cysts are gone, but there are still a lot there.

etc. etc. etc.

I started to dread going to ultra sounds because I usually came out crying knowing I had bottled up a lot of frustrations before each ultra sound and all emotions came loose during them (my poor doctors…)

So to have the opportunity to have apart of an ultrasound showing a beautiful miracle inside, a miracle that Hailame and I have as our own and to have the extraordinary woman, who is allowing us to have this child, invite me to be there to see this beautiful miracle was a tender mercy my soul has been longing for.

No words can express how my heart felt the first time see that sweet baby in the “ultra sound cam” (I don’t know the correct terminology.)

After months and years of continuous uncertainty and no’s from doctors, there was a baby girl growing and waiting to see us in a few short months.

This ultrasound was a strong confirmation that God answers our prayers in ways that we don’t expect.

He puts people in our lives that can help us, and we can help them.

Hailame and I are so thankful and humbled to be going through the adoption journey. We have learned so much and have discovered new meanings of love, family, and questions answered from God.

love, hannah jane

this baby has our hearts

Before we ever considered adoption, we received countless compliments that our children would be so beautiful with a mix of two cultures, and I loved it.  I would often talk about how I hope that our children inherit my husband’s beautiful thick hair, or my blue eyes. 

I would picture them in my mind of having my husband’s beautiful skin, with my facial expressions.  I imagined looking at our children and noticing the similarities of both of our family characteristics.

I think most couples do this as they dream of their future children. 

Since preparing for our adoption, I’ve realized that although our children may never have my nose, or my husband’s eyes, there are so many attributes and characteristics I hope this child will gain from our family.

I hope that our child will grow up appreciating family traditions. 

I am optimistic that our child will inherit Hailame’s sense of humor and positive outlook on life. 

I guarantee that this child will grow up loving music (just like his parents!)

I’m sure this child will want to be a clogger like their mom… and DAD!

I hope that this child will love to serve others.

I’m planning on this sweet baby loving to spend time with grandparents and cousins.

I hope that this child will grow to have Hailame’s pure goodness and kindness.

As a homemaker, I pray our child will grow up loving to create.

I know this child will grow up knowing they are so loved and adored by us.

This child may not look like me or my husband, but this child will grow up with our hearts.

love, hannah jane

We are so blessed.

Hailame and I are still in awe at the amount of support and success that came from the Yard Sale.  It was such a humbling experience to see all who came over to support our cause and share our excitement.

We want to thank everyone who sent us donations to sell at the Yard Sale!  I’ve said this so many times, but the amount of donations we received exceeded my expectations about 10 times!

I am in awe at the generosity of so many people.  Thank you, thank you thank you!

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To my dear friends and family who came to my house to help me organize the plethora amounts of clothes, electronics, kitchenware, decor, crafts, etc, etc, etc… Thank you for coming and helping me in my state of chaos when I didn’t even know where to start!

Part of receiving donations was going to multiple homes to pick up the donations, thank you to the multiple men who were available at the drop of a hat to come and help my husband pick up donations during the last few weeks.

Thank you to those who came and bought something, even though you probably didn’t need it, gave a little extra, wouldn’t allow us to give you change back, or sent us money, we have no words to express our gratitude.

To my parents and oldest sister, thank you for driving out for 24 hours to come and support.  It was a short trip and not as eventful as your usual visits but having your presence there was enough for me.

Thank you to my husband’s Dad who flew down to come and support us, having you around always puts my husband in a better mood!

Our expectant birth parents, having you come and support was the biggest surprise yet.  We are so thankful for you coming and hanging around all day to help us wherever needed.  Thank you for making the drive down, we loved spending the day with you.

Our family who stayed throughout the Yard Sale to keep an eye on things, collect funds, and then help clean up, we owe you so much!  We couldn’t have done it without you!  It would have taken us a week to clean up everything if we didn’t have the extra hands helping us get everything cleaned up!

Hailame, my hubs, best friend, #1 support, thank you for getting on board with the Yard Sale.  I know we both didn’t think we would get much out of it, but man we were surprised!  Thank you for staying up late the week of the Yard Sale to organize, pick up donations, and helping with every tiny little request I had.

You. Are. The. Best! (and you already know that!)

We are so blessed and so excited to be bringing a baby into a family that is loved and supported by countless family and friends!

love, hannah jane

Adoption Update: The Homestudy

After being on a high of excitement announcing that we are planning to adopt, and receiving so many words of encouragement and support, we slowly came down to reality again and entered a new phase of our journey to adoption…

The Home Study.

We are so thankful to have found a Social Worker who is so easy to work with and allows us to work through this next phase at our own pace, but has always been accessible for all our questions and needs.

The way I look at this phase of adoption is like getting “certified” or “pre-qualified” to adopt.

Completing a home study is not hard, it is just time consuming.

 

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There are multiple forms that need to be submitted from financial history records, FBI background checks, State background check, fertility medical reports, requesting letters of recommendation, a long detailed questionnaire and a few others I can’t remember right now.

I thought that the questionnaire would be the easiest to complete, but surprisingly enough, it has been the most time consuming (especially for Hailame, who isn’t a fan of computers).

Answering questions on what Hailame and I enjoy doing together, describe the make up of my family, how do we resolve conflict, what kind of discipline did our parents raise us on, how we plan to bring up our children, do we have health benefits, describing in detail the home our child will be raised in, the community we live in, etc. etc. etc.

After submitting all the necessary paperwork, our home will be reviewed by our Social Worker to be sure our home is “baby safe,” and after we bring our new baby into our home, there will be a follow up visit from our Social Worker as well.

We are close to completing our home study.  So close.

With our Home Study, we are each required to complete 10 hours of Adoption Educational Learning.  We can read books, watch videos, and complete online learning courses.

If you know of any good learning resources for us to look into, we are open to any and all suggestions, so please feel free to share your insights!

Happy Wednesday! Enjoy some spiritual enlightenment here!

love, hannah jane

Something about the beach…

There’s something about the beach that brings out the good news in our relationship!

So to start off this month of Thanksgiving,

and to keep the tradition going…

We are…

overjoyed.

ecstatic.

thrilled.

humbled.

delighted.

happy.

blessed.

THANKFUL.

and so excited to share

that the most prayed for little baby is currently growing in our hearts, and will be growing our family.

May 2019

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looking forward to sharing more details…

but until then please commence with celebrating like crazy with us!!!!

love, hannah jane

“Our Heavenly Father does answer prayers in HIS own time and in HIS own way.” Thomas S. Monson

 

 

This is Us, PCOS Month, & Infertility

****Just so you know…I’m talking about the Episode 1 of This is Us.  If you haven’t watched it, just know I warned you before sharing spoilers!

***If you don’t care, by all means keep reading!

**If you haven’t ever watching This is Us, please go and watch it!

I’ve been meaning to share my thoughts about PCOS all month, but I couldn’t gather my thoughts the way I had hoped.  I’m glad I kept putting it off because last night watching one of my favorite TV Shows ignited so many insights and impressions!  So here I am, two day’s before the month ends, sharing my thoughts about PCOS Awareness!

Enjoy!

I love that one of my favorite TV Shows, “This Is Us”, shared the raw and heart wrenching pain that comes from Infertility and PCOS, especially since September is PCOS Awareness Month.

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The reasoning why Kate was diagnosed with PCOS wasn’t fully accurate because PCOS is not always weight driven.  It is just one symptom of many other factors that are a part of PCOS (and for some, weight isn’t even involved in their diagnosis), but I still love that it was shared in this situation.  This article from Bustle was a great read for appreciating the exposure for PCOS, but wanting to clarify that there is so much more to PCOS.

Kate’s birthday party emotional break down is what really hit home for me in this whole episode.  I felt like Kate was reading my journal when she literally exploded all her frustration of being trapped in a body that wouldn’t lose the weight she worked tirelessly for, and couldn’t make the baby she yearned for.

I’ve been in situations when I’ve tried to explain my frustrations to a friend and I know that they fully care for me and want to help me, but just as Kate’s friends reacted, don’t always know what to say in moments like that.

For me, I don’t necessarily need to be told anything.  Most times, I just want to be heard and loved, but don’t want to be told what do to.  I’ve done so much homework on PCOS, and so I know what I need to do, and I actively try to work on everything I can to thrive in PCOS and Infertility.

So, when I unload my heart ache and frustration on someone (usually a very close friend, family member of my husband), most of the time it’s because I just needed to get it out because I had been bottling it up for so long and I needed to detox my soul.

I’m so thankful to those who have patiently listened and allowed me to open up.  These moments are not daily, but do happen every now and then and I’m so glad I have family and friends that I can confide in.

PCOS is a part of my life that I’m learning to accept and be actively taking care of, however, PCOS does not define me.

Most days I am spot on in taking care of my self, and I almost forget that I even have PCOS.  Some day don’t go so well and my symptoms are slapping me in the face.

I am 1 in 10 women who live with PCOS.

This 4 letter acronym answered so many questions I had been struggling with and in the exact same moment empowered me.

Infertility is not the end of the road for my husband and me.  It has been a bumpy, long, and emotional road, but we know there are other ways to grow our family and we are working our tails off to get through this Adoption Adventure.

Just like I appreciate Kate’s vulnerable moment of PCOS and Infertility watching this episode, I really loved Randall’s moment of joy when Deja told him she was ready to be officially adopted into their family.

I cannot wait until Hailame and I get to experience that moment of finding out we get to finally be parents through the sweet opportunity of adoption.

love, hannah jane

Some of my other insights and experiences with PCOS and Infertility

PCOS: A letter to the newly diagnosed

Infertility… and a bag of chips

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Infertility Awareness Month