the ultra sound

I had the wonderful opportunity to be present at our baby’s ultra sound a few days after Christmas. This ultrasound was such an amazing experience to participate in.

Before this ultrasound, I personally had gone through many ultrasounds when my doctors were trying to diagnose my PCOS and infertility problems.

Each and every ultrasound became harder and harder to go through hearing time and time again what was wrong with me.

My ovaries are covered in cysts.

My Fallopian tubes are clogged.

My body isn’t cycling properly.

One of my fallopian Tubes no longer is working.

Some cysts are gone, but there are still a lot there.

etc. etc. etc.

I started to dread going to ultra sounds because I usually came out crying knowing I had bottled up a lot of frustrations before each ultra sound and all emotions came loose during them (my poor doctors…)

So to have the opportunity to have apart of an ultrasound showing a beautiful miracle inside, a miracle that Hailame and I have as our own and to have the extraordinary woman, who is allowing us to have this child, invite me to be there to see this beautiful miracle was a tender mercy my soul has been longing for.

No words can express how my heart felt the first time see that sweet baby in the “ultra sound cam” (I don’t know the correct terminology.)

After months and years of continuous uncertainty and no’s from doctors, there was a baby girl growing and waiting to see us in a few short months.

This ultrasound was a strong confirmation that God answers our prayers in ways that we don’t expect.

He puts people in our lives that can help us, and we can help them.

Hailame and I are so thankful and humbled to be going through the adoption journey. We have learned so much and have discovered new meanings of love, family, and questions answered from God.

love, hannah jane

this baby has our hearts

Before we ever considered adoption, we received countless compliments that our children would be so beautiful with a mix of two cultures, and I loved it.  I would often talk about how I hope that our children inherit my husband’s beautiful thick hair, or my blue eyes. 

I would picture them in my mind of having my husband’s beautiful skin, with my facial expressions.  I imagined looking at our children and noticing the similarities of both of our family characteristics.

I think most couples do this as they dream of their future children. 

Since preparing for our adoption, I’ve realized that although our children may never have my nose, or my husband’s eyes, there are so many attributes and characteristics I hope this child will gain from our family.

I hope that our child will grow up appreciating family traditions. 

I am optimistic that our child will inherit Hailame’s sense of humor and positive outlook on life. 

I guarantee that this child will grow up loving music (just like his parents!)

I’m sure this child will want to be a clogger like their mom… and DAD!

I hope that this child will love to serve others.

I’m planning on this sweet baby loving to spend time with grandparents and cousins.

I hope that this child will grow to have Hailame’s pure goodness and kindness.

As a homemaker, I pray our child will grow up loving to create.

I know this child will grow up knowing they are so loved and adored by us.

This child may not look like me or my husband, but this child will grow up with our hearts.

love, hannah jane

This is Us, PCOS Month, & Infertility

****Just so you know…I’m talking about the Episode 1 of This is Us.  If you haven’t watched it, just know I warned you before sharing spoilers!

***If you don’t care, by all means keep reading!

**If you haven’t ever watching This is Us, please go and watch it!

I’ve been meaning to share my thoughts about PCOS all month, but I couldn’t gather my thoughts the way I had hoped.  I’m glad I kept putting it off because last night watching one of my favorite TV Shows ignited so many insights and impressions!  So here I am, two day’s before the month ends, sharing my thoughts about PCOS Awareness!

Enjoy!

I love that one of my favorite TV Shows, “This Is Us”, shared the raw and heart wrenching pain that comes from Infertility and PCOS, especially since September is PCOS Awareness Month.

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The reasoning why Kate was diagnosed with PCOS wasn’t fully accurate because PCOS is not always weight driven.  It is just one symptom of many other factors that are a part of PCOS (and for some, weight isn’t even involved in their diagnosis), but I still love that it was shared in this situation.  This article from Bustle was a great read for appreciating the exposure for PCOS, but wanting to clarify that there is so much more to PCOS.

Kate’s birthday party emotional break down is what really hit home for me in this whole episode.  I felt like Kate was reading my journal when she literally exploded all her frustration of being trapped in a body that wouldn’t lose the weight she worked tirelessly for, and couldn’t make the baby she yearned for.

I’ve been in situations when I’ve tried to explain my frustrations to a friend and I know that they fully care for me and want to help me, but just as Kate’s friends reacted, don’t always know what to say in moments like that.

For me, I don’t necessarily need to be told anything.  Most times, I just want to be heard and loved, but don’t want to be told what do to.  I’ve done so much homework on PCOS, and so I know what I need to do, and I actively try to work on everything I can to thrive in PCOS and Infertility.

So, when I unload my heart ache and frustration on someone (usually a very close friend, family member of my husband), most of the time it’s because I just needed to get it out because I had been bottling it up for so long and I needed to detox my soul.

I’m so thankful to those who have patiently listened and allowed me to open up.  These moments are not daily, but do happen every now and then and I’m so glad I have family and friends that I can confide in.

PCOS is a part of my life that I’m learning to accept and be actively taking care of, however, PCOS does not define me.

Most days I am spot on in taking care of my self, and I almost forget that I even have PCOS.  Some day don’t go so well and my symptoms are slapping me in the face.

I am 1 in 10 women who live with PCOS.

This 4 letter acronym answered so many questions I had been struggling with and in the exact same moment empowered me.

Infertility is not the end of the road for my husband and me.  It has been a bumpy, long, and emotional road, but we know there are other ways to grow our family and we are working our tails off to get through this Adoption Adventure.

Just like I appreciate Kate’s vulnerable moment of PCOS and Infertility watching this episode, I really loved Randall’s moment of joy when Deja told him she was ready to be officially adopted into their family.

I cannot wait until Hailame and I get to experience that moment of finding out we get to finally be parents through the sweet opportunity of adoption.

love, hannah jane

Some of my other insights and experiences with PCOS and Infertility

PCOS: A letter to the newly diagnosed

Infertility… and a bag of chips

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

Infertility Awareness Month

 

Happy Birthday Baby Tupou!

Dear Baby Tupou,

Today is your 1st birthday, Happy Birthday!

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In the one year you have been alive, you have done more for our baby yearning hearts than you will ever know.

I still remember the moment I knew you and I were going to be kindred spirits!  It was a simple moment, not one that many would recognize as being life changing, but for me, it was special.

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Kindred Spirits

It was during a musical we were watching that Big Tupou was performing in.  We were hanging out during the intermission, and I asked your Mom if I could hold you, and the second I held you in my arms and you looked at me with the biggest smile and I knew right then and there you and I were going to be kindred spirits.

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We love you Marty, Leesee, Tally and Maile!

We are so thankful to your parents for giving us opportunities and time to take you with us go to play, swim and even go camping!  We’ve had so much fun traveling with you and your family to Louisiana, family reunions, and California including DISNEYLAND!

Time spent with you has been healing for our hearts that yearn to be parents every day.  We want so badly to be parents, and when we spend time with you, just the three of us, we get a small glimpse at how excited we are to have our own little family one day.

Your pure excitement you show when we put you in your car seat to go out with us is our favorite thing to see.

Watching your little body burst with joy when we take you swimming and falling asleep on the way home to your parents after a busy day of playing with us melts our hearts every time.

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Thank you for loving us, cause we sure do love you!

We look forward to watching you grow and learn!  But please stay little a little longer 🙂

Tell your parents you need to come to St. George so we can go play some more!!… Your parents and sisters can come too….I know your Mom would love a weekend getaway in sunny St. George!

We love you Tupou!  Happy Birthday!

Love, Us

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our GRAND new adventure

We are excited to announce that we will be starting a GRAND adventure!

Ironically, it has nothing to do with the Grand Canyon, but everything sounds so much more exciting when you say that it’s GRAND!

But we do love the Grand Canyon, and go there often!

Anyway… scroll down to see our exciting news!

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We have decided to build our family through the beautiful opportunity of adoption!

Once we decided that this is the answer to our prayers, everything has felt right.  This is the first time in a long time that I am fully at peace, and confident that this is the road for Hailame and me.

This is unique experience that we are eager to be apart of, and I have already started to pray for the amazing birth Mother and sweet Miracle Baby that we are excited to find and make part of our family!20180714_164744_Film4

More updates coming soon!

love, hannah jane