We love you already

Dear future baby,

I know we haven’t met, but that’s okay, we love you already.

We love that you are going to be an answer to the endless prayers we been saying for a long time.

We love your birth Mother who will entrust you to be ours.

We love that you will be brought into a family with loving grandparents, and MANY aunts, uncles and cousins.

We love the newborn smell you’ll have for the first little while of your newborn life.

We love the sleepless nights we’ll have with you as you learn to sleep through the night.

We love the extra the bag of “just in case”  and “always be prepared” items we’ll carry around regularly just to make sure you are well taken care of.

We love that you will most likely be dressed better than we ever will because it’s way more fun to dress up babies than ourselves.

We love the accidental smiles that will eventually turn into real smiles

We love that our Instagram and Facebook posts will mainly consist of you and the genius baby you are as you successfully eat peas for the time or sit up on your own.

We love the “first time” moments we’ll be able to create with you.

We love that we get to be your parents.

We know that it may take some time to find you, but that’s okay.

We love you already.

See you soon.

Love, your parents

 

a new road, a new adventure

You have no idea how hard it was for me to keep our grand news (ADOPTION!!!!) to myself!  I think it was because this was the first time in a long time that we had good news to share and I was just dying to tell everyone!!

We wanted to tell our families before we shared the news, and now that they are fully in the loop, you can bet that I’m going to be talking about this a lot!!!

I want to share how we came to the decision to adopt, and how thankful we are to start this new adventure!

As I said from my last post, Hailame and I were brought to a crossroads in our Baby Making Journey, and had to decide how we wanted to move forward.

During our follow up appointment, we were told that we would have to do 3 more months of trial medications and tests to see if we could get our bodies to a place where they can conceive, however this time, the amount of money that we would have to put out would triple and it wasn’t a guarantee the medications would work.

This just about killed us.  We were so hopeful that we would move forward with the IVF treatments and instead we found out we were no where near where we needed to be.memes-gordon-hinckley-quotes-1928655-wallpaper-1

After the appointment, Hailame drove me back to work, and the drive back was silent.  We didn’t even know what to say.

We were frustrated, heart broken, feeling bad, confused, and on the verge of tears (well at least I was).

The last half of my day just dragged.  I couldn’t get my mind off of what we just went through.

Where were we going to get the money, how much longer would we have to do this trial run to get where we need to be, why can’t this be our time to start our family?

The next day, while at work, I kept thinking about adoption.  I’m not sure why, because I had forced the idea to the back of my mind for so long because I was so determined that we were going to be able to have a baby on our own.

But the more I thought about it and started reading about it, the more it made sense that this was supposed to be the way we build our family.

I called Hailame during work and said, “Honey, I know this is NOT the conversation to have while at work or on the phone, but I need to say it now,  I think we need to adopt a baby!”

The second I said it out loud I had peace just rush through me.  This had been the answer to our endless prayers.  God was opening a door for us, and I’m pretty sure the door had been there for a while, I just refused to look at it.

We both had our own personal confirmations that this was right road for us to be on, and it was going to be great adventure!

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I never thought in a million years that we would ever adopt a baby, but for the first time in a long time, we can talk about our future children, without heart ache (or me breaking down uncontrollably) because I know this is exactly what we were meant to do, and we are blessed to be in this situation.

So here we are!  Ready and so excited to move forward!

I hope you will join us in this adventure!  We are stepping into new territory and we are open to all the advice, support and prayers we can get!

“Come What May and Love It!”

love, hannah jane

 

 

Difficult Roads

On Mother’s Day, I received an anonymous gift.  In side was a card letting me know someone was thinking of me this Mother’s Day, a beautiful necklace and a quote that was just what I needed at that very moment, and still use it to draw strength and encouragement from:

“Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations”

Mountains to Climb

Growing up, I’ve always loved mountains.  Being raised in Salt Lake City, I was surrounded by beautiful mountains.  My parents would regularly take our family camping in the mountains, and I grew up loving Yellow Stone, the Tetons, and other beautiful sites.

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My Family- Mirror Lake- July 2014

But it wasn’t until college, while working at Jacob Lake  Inn, that I really came to appreciate and love mountains.  For 5 fall seasons in a row, I spent 6 days a week working as a waitress and 1 day a week hiking the trails of Zion National Park, Snow Canyon, the Grand Canyon, Northern Arizona and the Kaibab National Forest.  During my 2 hour work breaks, I would go trail running in the forest close to the Inn, and I hiked Rim2Rim of the Grand Canyon 3 times.

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Grand Canyon’s Cape Royal- May 2013

It was in these moments that I pushed myself to do hard things.  These experiences gave me that drive to challenge myself and try new things and see beautiful, amazing and breath taking views and destinations (cue Hannah Montana’s “It’s the Climb” 🙂

I’m continuing to learn that life in its self is a mountain that we are climbing everyday, or maybe more like we are climbing multiple mountains with different experiences we have…. marriage, careers, family,  goals, daily tasks, etc.

Not every experience is a trial, and each experience brings learning and new outlooks on life no matter how simple or drastic it is.  With each trail in life, I’ve learned that my attitude and outlook  has a lot of control in how much I take away from my experience and what I learn.

***BACK TO THE NECKLACE***

As you can see, that small act of kindness from whoever sent me the necklace and quote really helped me remember what I’m capable of.

I love this necklace, and it has helped mold my outlook on the kind of woman, wife, mother, and individual I want to be.

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Colorado River- New Years Day 2018

Just because I’m not regularly plateauing Angel’s Landing, crossing the Colorado River while doing Rim2Rim or running through the Kaibab Forest doesn’t mean I’m not capable of conquering the mountains I have in front of me right now.

I can conquer every mountain I’m climbing right now.

I can take control of how I approach PCOS, and not allowing the symptoms to define who I am.

Hailame and I will be able to have a family of our own.

I am capable of disciplining myself to become healthier.

I will be a Mother… one day.

Why?

Because…

Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations…

and my road of life is beautiful.

love, hannah jane

p.s. If the wonderful person who sent me this gift is reading this, thank you for thinking of me, it was and is just what I need.

Comparison is the Thief of Joy

…especially with Infertility.

“Just relax, you’ll be pregnant before you know it.”

“Have you tried losing weight, I got pregnant after losing a few pounds.”

“Maybe you should consider using clomid, that works miracles.”

“Start eating more of (fill in the blank), and less of (fill in the blank).”

“Consider yourself lucky for not having kids yet, and just enjoy being the two of you.”

“Find a hobby to keep you busy, so you don’t think about getting pregnant.”

“You can down load the ovulation tracker, that will determine when you will most like get pregnant, it worked for us.”

“You’re young, don’t worry about getting pregnant.”

The advice list goes on and on!

If I had a dollar for every piece of advice I’ve received regarding my Infertility Journey, I would be able to pay for all my Infertility Treatments :)!

Now I don’t want it to seem that I’m not thankful for those who care about me and want to provide help, because I really do appreciate them.  

What’s hard for me is that if I’m not careful, I will compare myself when their advice is successful for them, and not for me.

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One of my best friends who has PCOS was able to get pregnant off of clomid, and they have the most beautiful baby girl.

My sister-in-law, who has been a great listening ear for me, said that they got pregnant when they relaxed and stopping worrying about it.

I’ve read countless weight loss success stories of women losing weight and falling pregnant shortly after.

I’m happy for women who struggle with getting pregnant and are able to find their answer to getting pregnant, even if I am sad it isn’t my turn.

I have to keep reminding myself that infertility has millions of different scenarios, and there isn’t one type of an infertile woman.

My infertility journey is unique to me, and me only.

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I know I’ve said it before, and I’m going to keep saying it as a reminder to myself, but I’m thankful for this journey I’m going through.  It was far from the journey I saw myself going on when I first got married, but I’ve seen a change in what I’m thankful for, what I’m capable of, and what matters most.

I’m thankful for my husband who continues to bring positive vibes and extreme happiness into my life and everywhere he goes, I don’t know what I would do without him!

Happy Monday!

love, hannah jane

Need a little boost today?  Enjoy this message, “Value beyond Measure,” by Joy D. Jones

 

 

 

 

Mothering Tender Mercies

For Mother’s Day, I decided to have a different outlook on this day (instead of focusing on my lack) and look for the “Mothering Tender Mercies” in my life.  I’ve been blessed to be an Aunt to 9 nieces and nephews on my side of the family and 20+ (I’ve lost count) on Hailame’s side of the family, but I wanted to dig even deeper than that.

I quickly realized that since we’ve been married one blessing that has been consistent is the opportunity to serve in the LDS Church with the Primary Children.

Within a few weeks of getting married, and joining our new ward, I was asked to serve as the Music Leader for the Primary Children (ages ranges from 2-12).  I would be given the opportunity to teach children scripture stories, the importance of their family, and helping them remember they are Children of God through songs.

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Music has always been a large part of my life.  Growing up, my Mother taught me to sing, and feel comfortable singing in front of large groups of people.  As long as she was there playing the piano for me, I was good.  In Middle School, I participated in the after school choir groups and in High School I participated in the Women’s Choir, Concert Choir, Senior Madrigals Advanced Choir, Musical Theater, School Musicals and private Voice Lessons actively all three years.  Music really molded me into the person I am.

So to have the opportunity to connect with children through music was such a wonderful experience and I was able to learn so much about children.  I learned how different age groups learned and took in the music, I learned to be flexible on days that the children were having difficulty paying attention and not taking interest in the song, and coming up with on the spot learning activities, I learned to love unconditional and patience, I learned how capable a child’s ability to soak in new learning experiences, and I learned even more how excited I was to be a Mom one day.

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After 3 1/2 years of serving as the music leader, Hailame and I were asked to serve as Primary Teachers for 8-10 year old children, it was also the largest class in the primary (averaging 8-11 kids each Sunday)!

Hailame and I were so excited to get to do this together, and have loved the experience of teaching these children.  It was no surprise that our class adores Hailame, he is a kid magnet everywhere he goes.  Most Sunday’s when I show up in the classroom before Hailame the classes without missing a beat says, “Hi Sister Tua’one, where’s Brother Tua’one?”…. story of my life 🙂

This opportunity has been such a blessing in our marriage.  I love watching Hailame interact with the children, and sharing his testimony, I love seeing the children have their own “ah-ha” moments as they learn and listen to the lessons.

 

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But the part I love most is that I know that I have a Heavenly Father who is well aware of my ache and yearning to be a Mother, and while I’m continually trying to learn (even on my hardest days when all I want to do is lay in bed and mope) he is providing me with experiences to learn individually and with Hailame.

This time for us is a time to become better.  I still don’t know what I’m fully supposed to learn from this trial we are experiencing, I just have to trust that when looking back on this time, I’ll be grateful for what I did learn and just soak in as many good experiences while I can.

Happy Late Mother’s Day.

love, hannah jane